Nov 2, 20194 min read

C|Suite Letters: The United States Congress Cums Together

C|Suite is a men's magazine founded by Frank Cervi. It combines urban/office life-style articles with soft-core pornographic pictorials. In recent years, C-Suite introduced the 'letters' column in which readers send in borderline ridiculous sexcapades, resulting often in explicit and unnecessary detail.

The United States Congress

Cums Together

C|Suite Letters

Dear C|Suite,

'Twas a night that I will never forget as a young upstart journalist. Seeing something so raw, perverse, yet, so beautiful at the same time will haunt my memory for the ages.

It was an evening in where I witnessed true American pride and solidarity. Partisan differences were set aside for Congress' annual erotic ball. I believe this is the key, no, the glue that holds our nation's politics together: All of the participants surrendered their bodies to their congressional colleagues' most perverse desires, helping foster respect across party lines.

Making good on a venerable tradition in which Republicans and Democrats come together, disrobe, and engage in a night of unbridled lust, I had the pleasure to witness all 535 members of the U.S. Congress set aside partisan differences last week for their annual erotic masquerade ball.

Working for CNN, as a journalist, does have its perks….

I was told that no cameras were allowed in the Capitol Rotunda; taking notes whilst masturbating at the same time was acceptable and allowed, however.

The night was long, hard and sweaty; much like the many wrinkly pricks that were exposed in the dim lighting.

Senators and representatives partook in the hours-long celebration of carnal pleasure—customarily held in a candlelit, velvet-draped Capitol Rotunda where organ music played and fully nude congressional aides distributed chalices of red wine—gave them an opportunity to dispense with their political disputes for a night, don identity-obscuring feathered masks, and engage in all manner of lascivious acts.

“Having this messy orgy every year is an excellent way to help us remember that, deep down, each of us shares the same primal urges,” said Senate Majority Whip John Thrune (R-SD), who stood bare-ass in nothing but an elaborate Venetian mask and a leather crotchless thong as hundreds of naked lawmakers around him moaned, writhed, and thrusted upon elaborate divans and luxurious cushions arrayed on the rotunda’s polished stone floor.

“I think we all look forward to putting on a cape, corset strap-on-dildo or a harness and having one night to simply indulge in our colleagues’ flesh.”

“The great James Strom Thurmond Sr. introduced this ritual more than half a century ago,” the 58-year-old, three-term senator continued. “He realized that, liberal or conservative, most of us deep down inside just want to blow a wad on the other’s chest, face, tits or ass.”

It was around 6:30 pm when the erotic ball commenced when master of ceremonies Nancy Pelosi (D-CA), who held a candelabra and wore a tight-fitting Victorian waistcoat over her shirtless torso, announced that “the spell has been cast” and beckoned lawmakers to “heed the call of lechery.”

A line of bound and blindfolded freshman senators then knelt down before John Trumbull’s circa 1818 painting Declaration Of Independence, chanted “Deus, patriam, et libidinem,” and began orally servicing senior senators belonging to the rival political party while Pelosi produced a mild-mannered orgasm from servicing her own vagina, whilst dripping candle wax onto her wrinkled, saggy bosom.

Witnesses confirmed, later however, that one ‘unidentified’ senator, a large flap of neck skin hanging loose beneath his zippered leather hood, merely observed the ball and self-stimulated from off to the side, reportedly continuing to do so for the duration of the evening.

I did wonder where Mitch McConnell disappeared too…

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“This is an act of renewal, release and celebration—a opportunity to get to know our fellow lawmakers better through purifying acts of depravity,” said Sen. Krysten Sinema (D-AZ), who was mere feet from where Sen. Marsha Blackburn (R-TN) clutched the legs of the marble statue of President James Garfield as a frantic Sen. Chris Coons (D-DE), wearing a the dazzling gold Medico dell Peste mask, penetrated her from behind; shooting a consignment of ‘white ropers’ onto her back and ass. “At this ball, we don’t argue about health care or taxes, and there are no Democrats or Republicans. There are only the unrepentant children of sin.”

A woman wearing only a large, white Volto mask with a pronounced stork-like beak, identified by several in attendance as Sen. Martha McSally (R-AZ), was later observed with her back propped against the base of the woman’s suffrage monument as special guests Justin Trudeau, Hillary Clinton and Barrack Hussein Obama simultaneously sucked on her breasts and took turns furiously masturbating her with their fingers.

At one point, throughout the evening of erotic splendor, Sen. Rand Paul (R-KY), 56, stripped off his robe, draped himself over a chaise lounge, and screamed in ecstasy as Rep. Tulsi Gabbard (D-HI), 38, dripped hot wax over his nipples, stomach, and genitals—finishing him off by wrapping her warm, salivating mouth around his penis whilst proceeding to suck, twirl and twist her tongue around his cock-head, shaft and waxed balls until the eventual explosion of creamy goodness.

“We have come to devour forbidden fruits together in a bacchanalia of degenerate delight!” said a red-cloaked figure that displayed only his erect penis but was believed to be 50-year-old Sen. Cory Booker (D-NJ). “We are the decadent, we are the reborn, we are the free. We are Americans!”

At press time, the legislators had rapidly abandoned the orgy in repugnance after the House sergeant-at-arms, obliging the Texas senator’s request, began plunging his eagle-topped ceremonial mace in and out of Ted Cruz’s loose, lubed, asshole.